


let me be the one

by dirtmemer



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Codependency, Living Seperately, Long Distance Relationship, M/M, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-18 21:55:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7331974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dirtmemer/pseuds/dirtmemer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 somewhat (very) good days in the life of Oikawa Tooru.</p>
            </blockquote>





	let me be the one

**Author's Note:**

> _sometimes you've got to bleed to know,_  
>  _that you're alive and have a soul,_  
>  _but it takes someone to come around_  
>  _to show you how._  
>  \-- Tear In My Heart, Twenty One Pilots

So, you're sitting in your bedroom one day. It's Monday, 3.34 am, and you're awake. You sit there and work your way through a yogurt cup and read all your old texts from Iwa-chan. He's always so concerned. It's sort of nice, really. 

The last text is a blurry photo of a photo of the both of you as kids. _My mom sent this to me,_ he'd said. You're both dirty and grimy and happy. Iwa-chan is missing a tooth. You don't remember being that young. You don't remember being that happy. You didn't reply. 

You don't really talk to any of your high school friends anymore. It's like, your high school life is pretty much over. And you've got a shit ton of issues to work through, so. Yeah. You've sort of stopped replying to texts from everyone. Hanamaki and Matsukawa have stopped sending them. They're always posting photos of their little adventures on their Instagram. You enjoy looking at them. You particularly liked the ones where they're holding a bunch of vegetables. They always look very happy, and you're glad at least some of you has their shit working out. 

Iwa-chan hasn't stopped sending you texts, though. If you're really honest to yourself, you're just waiting for him to stop. You're waiting for that inevitable sense of betrayal that will finally hit you and put you out of your existential crisis, really, when Iwa-chan finally gets fed up with you. It'll be a long wait, though, you think. He's always been stubborn. But still. You can wait. 

Every day at 9, Iwaizumi will send you a good-morning text. At 2, he'll send you one reminding you to eat lunch. At 7, he'll tell you to eat dinner. At 12, he'll tell you about his day, and say _good night Tooru_. The last text he sends is always something that reminded him of you. Like the bakery that sells milk bread. Or the gaggle of girls surrounding a classmate. Or even something like the squeak of shoes against the ground. You don't really like that last one. But it's good, really. It's grounding. You don't reply, but he sends them. 

You miss him, sort of. You miss his presence, his voice, the way he laughs and the way he smacks his palm against your back. You've been trying to adjust without him, really. Your therapist said that your codependency was dangerous. Unhealthy. So you try. You try, and you're trying to be better. At least, you think you're trying. And sometimes it's the thought that counts. 

It's 3.45 am on a Monday morning. You grab a pen and a piece of paper. 

“I'll go grocery shopping tomorrow,” you tell yourself. A plan. 

 

*

 

 _Good morning Tooru,_ Iwa-chan sends you. 

“Good morning,” you say out loud. “Morning, Iwa-chan. Did you sleep okay?” 

There's no answer, because he's not here. Duh. But you entertain yourself with making up things he'd say, anyways. Maybe something like, _I know you didn't sleep last night_. And he'd have that adorable concerned frown on his face, and you'd say, _Sorry, Iwa-chan!_

You laugh a little. It's a disconcerting sort of laugh, the kind that would prompt your therapist to ask, _is there anything going on?_

And you'd say, _hey, I thought about Iwaizumi again today_ , and your therapist would smile and ask you to say more. Maybe you'll tell your therapist about this. It's Tuesday, and your appointments are on Wednesdays. Tomorrow, then. 

Your class ends at 1. You're taking creative classes, something about them being a helpful, harmless way to channel your frustrations. You don't really mind them, you guess. Not that you particularly enjoy writing, but you do like drawing. Especially when it's drawing animals. You like the way lines curve under your hands, and you like the way colours work. You always want to send a picture you've drawn to Iwa-chan. But instead, you file them under 'Things To Show Iwa-Chan'. For when you meet again. 

At 1.30, you go eat lunch at a ramen shop round the corner of your campus. It's pleasantly crowded, your bowl of noodles steaming gently in your face. There's nobody you recognise, which is good. Your noodles are delicious, your favourite, and you snap a picture and save it in the album you made for nice things. Halfway through, Iwa-chan sends you, _remember to eat!_

“I'm eating right now,” you mumble to yourself. You wonder if Iwa-chan remembers to eat, what with his medical studies and everything. You wonder if his favourite food is still agedashi tofu, or if he's changed, metamorphosed into someone new and different and unrecognisable. You wonder if it's selfish to think things like that, and you file it under 'Things To Ask My Therapist', for tomorrow. 

After lunch, you count the things you've done for the day. Someone nearly bumps into you, and you dodge neatly. Your crumpled grocery list falls out of your pocket. You stare at it for a while, before bending over to pick it up. You've been productive today. It's been a good day. 

“I'm going to buy groceries,” you say. 

You walk to the grocery store. It's around 3 in the afternoon when you reach it, and it's only slightly crowded. You hold your crumpled list up. The harsh fluorescent lights illuminate its edges. Milk, the list says. Milk, eggs, minced meat, canned soup, spaghetti sauce. It's all out of order and your handwriting is terrible. 

You take your time. You spend at least fifteen minutes choosing a nice carton of eggs, and waste another fifteen more debating the different brands of milk. You choose chicken soup stock instead of canned soup, and you stand in the meat section thinking about the merits of minced meat versus hamburger meat. You decide to get both, but only because you feel like cooking pasta tonight. You buy snacks, and you think you'd like some fruit too, so you buy apples and grapes and half a watermelon. 

“Thank you,” you say to the cashier, and she smiles at you. You feel some semblance of calm. It's been a good day. 

You walk back to your apartment. You cook dinner, take a picture, then count the minutes until Iwa-chan's 7 pm text comes. _Did you eat dinner?_ Iwa-chan says. 

“I did,” you say. Pretending Iwa-chan can actually hear you, and _oh_ , you miss him so much. 

You watch some cartoons on your laptop. You draw for a bit, and realise you forgot to do the dishes. You go do the dishes. You write down a to-do list of chores for tomorrow. You set an alarm for your appointment. 

At 12, you try to sleep. _Goodnight Tooru,_ Iwa-chan says. 

_Today I had yakiniku for dinner. Just like that time, when Matsukawa confessed to Hanamaki. You remember that? You were laughing a lot. Hanamaki was so embarrassed. It was really nice, wasn't it? I had a good day today. I hope you did too._

“I did,” you mutter. “It was a good day.” 

_I miss you._

“I miss you too,” you say. 

 

*

 _Good morning Tooru,_ Iwa-chan sends. 

You read the text. You feel- strange. Sort of not good, but not all bad. Like you're balancing on a line very very carefully. 

Today is chore day. You work through them meticulously, ticking each box you've prepared on your to-do list. You're finished a whole two hours before your appointment. You push the fridge open. Everything is compartmentalised neatly. Fruits, vegetables, meat and the like. You decide to eat all the watermelon, and you're nearly sick when you finish. 

You go take a shower. The water is warm. It's sort of nice. A nice thing that has happened today. You're grateful. You walk to your appointment, listening to music along the way. Another nice thing. You're grateful for that too. 

Your therapist is waiting for you. “Hello Tooru.” 

“Hello,” you say. 

“How was your day?” your therapist asks. 

“Not bad,” you say. 

“Did anything happen recently?” 

“Well,” you say. “I keep thinking about Iwaizumi, even though I shouldn't.” 

“Why shouldn't you?” 

“I'm trying to be independent?” 

“Tooru,” your therapist says gently. “Being independent doesn't mean you have to stop thinking about someone. Just that your actions should mirror what you want, instead of being affected by them.” 

“Oh,” you say. “So it's okay if I think about him and miss him?” 

“Of course,” your therapist says. “Missing someone is natural, Tooru. Just don't let it control your life.” 

“Oh,” you say. “I have a question, actually.” 

“Alright.” 

“Is it selfish of me to want someone to stay the same?” 

“It depends,” your therapist says. “What don't you want to change? Their personality? Their little quirks? Or the tiny details you know?” 

“The details, I guess,” you say. “Like, I don't want to feel like I don't know them anymore? Does that make sense?” 

“Of course. And to answer your question, I think it is a little selfish. You don't want them to change past your perspective of them, yes?” 

“Ye-e-es,” you say slowly. “Is that bad?” 

“Not necessarily,” your therapist says. “It's okay to be a little selfish. Does that satisfy your question?” 

“Hmm,” you say. “Yeah, I guess.” 

“That's good. Now tell me about your day.”

Afterwards, when you're all tired out from your long appointment and tucked into bed, you read Iwa-chan's texts. 

_Have you eaten lunch?_

_Remember to eat dinner!_

It's still early, so he hasn't sent you the good night text yet. But still. It makes you feel just a little happier. 

 

*

_Good night, Tooru._

_How are you feeling, these days? I'm doing a lot better. I'm really busy, but I've got a week off starting Friday. If you don't mind, maybe I could come and visit you?_

You startle awake. Iwa-chan wants to visit? That is something. That really is something. You haven't seen him since you moved to Tokyo. You haven't gone back to Miyagi ever. And he's- okay. Wow. 

Your phone buzzes again. You jump a little. 

_Good morning, Tooru,_ Iwa-chan says. 

Oh, god. You're- you're suddenly really really nervous. You'll have to reply him. You don't know how to do that. 

_Tomorrow?_ You type out quickly, and hit send before you can back out. 

A long pause. _You startled me!_ Iwa-chan sends. You can imagine his face. The one with his mouth slack and his eyes wide. You relax a little. A lot, actually. It'd be nice, being able to see Iwa-chan. Being able to tell him things again. Just for a few days. 

_Yeah, tomorrow. Is that okay?_ Iwa-chan says. 

_Let me think,_ you send. 

You spend your whole day thinking. He still sends you lunchtime and dinnertime texts. You eat an apple. You eat three yogurt cups, and eat two more pudding cups. You scroll through Instagram. Hanamaki and Matsukawa have uploaded new photos. You like them all; they're smiling very brightly. Hanamaki is kissing Matsukawa in one of them. That one is your new favourite. You think about it some more. 

You think about it until he sends you your goodnight text. 

_Sure,_ you text back. 

_Really? Then I'll take the afternoon train, okay? I'll reach at around 3._

_Okay,_ you send. Anticipating. 

 

*

 _Good morning, Tooru,_ Iwa-chan sends. 

You hesitate for a bit. 

_Morning,_ you send. 

Iwa-chan sends you a happy kaomoji. You didn't know he used them. It's kind of endearing. 

_I'll see you later,_ he promises. 

You text your therapist. Your therapist sends you three thumbs up's. 

Friday, 3 pm. You're going to meet Iwa-chan for the first time in forever. It's honestly- very exciting. And very nerve-wracking. 

You go to the train station and fidget until he barrels into you. He's laughing, bright-eyed and pink-faced. You've really really _really_ missed him something awful. 

“Have you eaten lunch?” he asks you. 

“Iwa-chan,” you say, and you hug him tight. He smells the same, like grass and minty shampoo. It's been so long. “I missed you so much.” 

He kisses your cheek. “I missed you too,” he says.

**Author's Note:**

> hey aren't you projecting your own issues onto oikawa a lot, you may wonder. 
> 
> the answer is: yes, yes i am.


End file.
